


the absence of disappearing

by jessamoo



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-06
Updated: 2015-09-06
Packaged: 2018-04-19 10:19:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,100
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4742675
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jessamoo/pseuds/jessamoo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What if one of this days, she unmade herself and forgot how to put herself back together? Or, more simply, what if one day she wasn't quick enough and instead of her arm a bullet got her somewhere else? Maria wouldn't know. She wouldn't feel it, because that sort of thing didn't really happen, no matter how much you care about someone.</p>
            </blockquote>





	the absence of disappearing

There is a romantic notion that when someone you love dies, you can feel it. Like their last breath can travel an ocean to find you, and you'll know without being told that some small part of you has died.

Maria Hill does not believe this is true.

She's seen people die. People she loved. She has seen them looking at her, knowing they would die. But she hasn't felt it within her, not like that. She's grieved, and raged, but she hasn't known that pull. When someone dies they are just dead, and that's what makes it awful. The idea that someone who loved them could wake up and go about their day, not knowing until days later that they had been living in a world without their other half.

When she saw her colleagues, her friends, die, it had left her simply with absence. It was just blood and pain and nothingness. There was simply a void. They just stopped. It felt impossibly final and abrupt. Somehow the world kept moving on around them. People built cities on top of grave sites.

And then, Natasha.

Natasha was bright and red and hurtled toward her like a falling star, beautiful, far away and entirely in flames. Natasha had an easy smile, once she trusted you. It was feral and primal and inviting in it's mystery and rareness.

One day Natasha was their, nudging her during briefings, throwing her discreet eyebrow raises at other agents, a strong, familiar presence. Like a guard you never noticed but somehow always felt.

Then she was gone. She had become Natalie or Nina - anyone, no one. Someone else entirely. She had stripped away everything that was Natasha and made herself over. She had slid into a new skin as easily as putting on a new coat.

She was off on a mission, being called by a new name, like Natasha had never been there at all. 

Then she would come back and it would happen all over again. And again and again until Maria was surprised she remembered who she was.

Maria thought about the dead again. It was like that. The sudden hole a person leaves, but only within another person. Otherwise the world would sew itself shut again across the place where that person used to be. Maria knew Natasha had been there though, because she missed her.

 

She comes back again, like she'd never left. Maria had stayed to work late - It was rumor that Natasha would be coming back some time soon and she'd wanted to see her. To make sure it was really her. Sometimes Maria worried she'd just dreamed her.

Natasha eases into the seat next to her without a word as Maria stares down at the work she'd been pretending to do. Natasha reclines and puts her muddy boots on the table, not fooled by her.

Maria raises her eyes and shoots her a dark look, but when Natasha drops her feet to the floor with a sullen thud, she sees the scratches covering her face, the recently bandaged wound on her arm.

"What the hell happened? I thought this was a clean job." Maria asked, pulling her chair around next to Natasha's. Their legs rest against each other.

"It was." Natasha shrugs. "Until it wasn't."

Maria sighs and reaches out to take her hand. Natasha lets her. "I'm fine." She insists with a small smile. She was always fine.

But Maria worried about the day she wasn't. What if one of this days, she unmade herself and forgot how to put herself back together? Or, more simply, what if one day she wasn't quick enough and instead of her arm a bullet got her somewhere else? Maria wouldn't know. She wouldn't feel it, because that sort of thing didn't really happen, no matter how much you care about someone.

"How's Clint?" Maria asks, growing worried. Natasha was very good at pretending to be alright, but she wasn't doing that now. She was just staring at their entwined hands.

"He's fine. He's gone home for a few days. To be with Laura."

She smiles when she says it, but it seems to Maria infinitely sad. "What about you?" She asks gently.

"What about me? Where would I go except here?" Natasha sighs and leans closer to Maria. "All I have is here. It's this...I thought..."

She rolls her eyes at herself and Maria smiles a little. "What?" She prods.

"I thought maybe I could just sit here, watch you work? If you don't mind that is."

Maria shrugs, pretending to be nonchalant. "As long as your quiet."

Natasha smirks. "I'm a master assassin. I'd be shot if I didn't know how to be quiet."

"You were shot." Maria points out.

"Well good job I don't make the same mistake twice."

And so they sit together. It's quiet and calm. It's...nice. It's comfortable. Afterwards, with very little ceremony, they go get coffee and some food.

Natasha begins to do this whenever she comes back now. If anyone notices, they don't say anything. Just like Maria and Natasha. There isn't a lot to say. Sometimes Natasha would bring donuts or they would choose the hairstyle she would have next. Sometimes they drank whiskey. Sometimes they held hands under the table.

It takes a long time before they start to kiss. At first Maria is struck by how familiar something so new could feel. Somewhere inside her she understood Natasha to be unknowable, but that's not what it felt like. It felt like she had always known her.

Maria worries, though she wouldn't tell Nat. Nat appreciates it, though she wouldn't tell Maria. But she kisses her shoulder when they lay next to each other and somehow that's enough for right then.

Maria is scared that one day Natasha will disappear. She whispers this to her once, and only once. Whispers it into the hollow of her collarbone, her lips and words brushing Natasha's skin, feeling her pulse.

"I might." Natasha says. "But I won't want to."

"I know." Maria says, trying to hold her tighter.

"Maybe we could disappear together."

Maria had never thought of that. She had never imagined she would simply break from this world and enter another. She didn't know if she could. Or more, she didn't know what to imagine when she thought about it. Because the truth is she knew she could, now. Before it had seemed a death. But laying next to Natasha she thought she would, and could, go anywhere with her. Even into nothing, into the absence of disappearing.


End file.
